Banjo-Kazooie 3
by Penutsonfire
Summary: Banjo-Kazooie 3, the long awaited sequel that never was. But what if I told you that a secret copy exists somewhere. Curious? Read and find out.


Banjo and Kazooie, what a classic game. It was a personal favourite of mine growing up, however I sold my Nintendo 64 and everything I loved years ago after being forced into bankruptcy due my crippling drug addiction.

Anyways, now that I had been sober for a month now and had money to spend thanks to my welfare cheques, I decided to relive my glory days of when I wasn't a human train wreck.

I headed over to Gamestop to look for my favourite games of yore, however this would be short lived. I soon found out that Gamestop didn't even sell games or game consoles that had come out upwards of 20 years ago. The employees kindly asked me to leave because I smelled funny and was weirding out the customers. Frankly, I didn't even know that I smelled that bad, although I should have figured this would've been the case since I hadn't showered for a good few weeks up to that point.

I was quite disappointed that I couldn't find the game I was looking for, now I finally understood how my parents felt when they had me. However, my luck was soon to change when I ran into a yard sale on my way home. Well, it wasn't a yard sale, but a homeless man who had been standing outside my apartment for the past week. He seemed to be under the influence of some sort of drug (meth, if experience has told me anything). Regardless, it appeared he had just what I was looking for.

He had an N64 with an unlabeled cartridge accompanying it. I approached him and inspected his offer.

The N64 was in surprisingly good condition. However the cartridge was another story. It was slightly damaged and covered in marker as some poor replacement for a label. It read "Banjo and Kazooie 3" and had a poor drawing on the front, looking like the iconic bear and bird as if drawn by a raving lunatic. I figured the cartridge was probably demonic and would likely kill me, but I already had such a small will to live I figured it was worth the risk.

I left some money while the homeless man was sleeping or passed out. Now I finally had an N64 with a game from my favourite game series and I couldn't have been happier. However, everything would change when I plugged it in and turned on the game. That was when I lost my innocence.

Upon turning it on, I was greeted not by a title screen, but by an opening cutscene (games these days, amirite?). The scene was a familiar looking spiral mountain in the middle of the night. Banjo was sleeping in his bed peacefully, when a large shadow loomed over his bed and a scream was heard. The scene then shifted to morning, with Kazooie and Banjo's sister, Tooty, waking up.

"Wow, what a sleep! I feel completely recharged!" said Kazooie

"Where is Banjo?" said Tooty

"What? I don't know, probably doing chores or something." said Kazooie

"I think he's been kidnapped, look at this note that was left." said Tooty picking up a note.

The letter read as such:

 _Good morning fools! I, Gruntilda, have captured your beloved bear, Banjo! If you want to ever see him alive again, you must bring his sister, Tooty, to my lair and don't bother me ever again! You only have 24 hours, good luck!_

"Oh no! Gruntilda has captured my brother! We must help him, Kazooie!" said Tooty in a panicked voice

"No way!" replied Kazooie

"What?" said Tooty

"Are you kidding me? Gruntilda only speaks in rhymes, that can't be her. Let's just stay here until Banjo gets home." said Kazooie

"You don't even care that your best friend is missing?" said Tooty

"No, not really." said Kazooie

"Fair enough, I'm tired too." said Tooty

At this point I was growing impatient, I had been sitting watching this boring, useless cutscene for five minutes now. I had hope things would get more interesting and I would be able to play the game after the screen had faded to black. However, this would only be the beginning of the torture.

Back in the game, the screen faded to Banjo strapped to a chair alone in a room. Then, the vile witch Gruntilda entered the room. Banjo awoke.

"Gruntilda! I knew you were behind this." Said Banjo

"Oh poor bear, you should've figured I'd be behind this, y'know, being enemies for so long and all." said Gruntilda

"What?" said Banjo

"What do you mean 'What?'" said Gruntilda

"Well, I mean, you usually speak in rhymes, don't you?" said Banjo

"Frankly, Banjo, I think you of all people would appreciate a more genuine version of me. We've know each other so long, I feel you should see the real me." said Gruntilda, who then took off her witch's hat and let down her long, black hair

"What do you mean? What kind of tricks are you trying to play on me?" said a skeptical Banjo.

"Banjo please, you know better than to be a fool, I'm not trying to playing any tricks on you." Gruntilda said, approaching the worried Bear.

At this point I was supremely confused and frankly, a little aroused. I watched further to see what would happen.

"Gruntilda, I know better than to trust a gross, evil witch like you!" said Banjo

It seemed that Banjo's hurtful words had really gotten to the witch this time. Her eyes began to get teary.

"Well, if that's how it's going to be..." said Gruntilda, who then turned away to hide the tears that were now streaming down her face.

"Gruntilda... Are you OK?" said Banjo, showing some concern. Despite the fact that they were still enemies, Banjo still had a good heart.

"Banjo, you don't know how it feels to be hated and reviled all of your life. To be called ugly and ignored. When I was a child, my parents hated me. They always preferred my older sister, ignoring me. The only time my parents would notice is when I misbehaved, then they would beat me. Sometimes I would get in trouble on purpose just so someone would notice me. I ran away from home when I was only 16 and forced to take up the dark arts just to survive on my own. When I first noticed you and your sister, I wanted nothing more than to know you better. But never learning how to properly express positive emotions like friendship and love, I could only express it by attacking you. I stole Tooty and wished to become beautiful not to spite you, but so the world, no, so _you_ would love me." said Gruntilda, while crying.

"Gruntilda, I never knew..." said Banjo, now feeling bad about his words earlier.

"All I want is to be accepted, is that so much to ask for." said Gruntilda, not talking to Banjo, but to the world.

"Gruntilda... I'll accept you." said Banjo, approaching Gruntilda

"Really, after all I've done to hurt you?" said Gruntilda

"There is always room for forgiveness, that's what Jesus taught us, right?" said Banjo, now holding the teary-eyed witch.

"Oh Banjo, thank you so much!" said Gruntilda

"Gruntilda..." said Banjo

"No, call me Grunty." said Gruntilda

As Banjo and Grunty held each other close, they were suddenly interrupted when two figures crashed through the door. It was Kazooie and Tooty!

"Look, Gruntilda is attacking Banjo!" screeched Tooty

Before either Banjo or Gruntilda could protest, Tooty and Kazooie ran up and began to attack Gruntilda violently. They began violently kicking Gruntilda to the ground, as she began to scream

"Please, I've reformed, I'm good now. Banjo, help me." said Gruntilda, desperately

But before Banjo could help, it was over. Gruntilda was left lying on the ground in a pool of blood, motionless.

"Jeez, I think we killed her." said Tooty

"Well, that just means we'll never have to deal with her again. Good riddance!" said Kazooie, and both her and Tooty began to laugh

"C'mon bro, let's get out of here!" said Tooty, as they began to walk out of the room.

However, Banjo just stood there, and a single tear fell down his face.

At this point the cutscene stopped suddenly, with nothing following. While I had enjoyed the film, despite finding it extremely, I felt a bit ripped off. This changed however when I found out that I had not taken a Nintendo 64, but a VHS player. This explained a few things to me, as I didn't remember Banjo or the rest looking like they were regular people in costumes from the dollar store. This also explained why the ending looked so realistic, the special effects were amazing.

Although I enjoyed the film, I was still left with a horrible emptiness. Perhaps this meant that bleak attempts to recapture my youth couldn't truly mask the true sadness of the reality which I was forced to live everyday. At this point, I would've brought out the noose so I could end it quick, but watching the film had worked up quite the appetite, and I felt like doing a McDonald's run, so I left my lonely apartment once again to face the world.

Anyways, I'm not really sure what the point of this story is, but if you've made it this far, please comment and tell me your opinions. I won't read them, or care for that matter, but seeing the number go up on my page gives me a false sense of accomplishment that the real world hasn't provided. See you next time!


End file.
